Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
pop tarts are not kleenex
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
