Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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