He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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