is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
