Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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