life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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