just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
