i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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