just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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