i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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