I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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