I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
