if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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