if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
