it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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