he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
