Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
