I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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