The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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