just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
