Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
