could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
