He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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