i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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