I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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