i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
