Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
