Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
