Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize