I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize