You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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