There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
