oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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