dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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