Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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