@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
