Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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