i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
