question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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