Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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