if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
