turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
