why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
