I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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