If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
