Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
no, he came in my armpit
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
