the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
