Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
