Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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