it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
