Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize