there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
