They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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