PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
