so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
