My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
