I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize