Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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