ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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