Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
