just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
