so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
