the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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