Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Randomize
