God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
